


The Reason We Can't Have Nice Things

by Katsala



Series: The Trouble With Time Turners [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Draco and Luna are bros, F/F, F/M, M/M, Threesome - F/F/M, Threesome - F/M/M, Time Travel, slight AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-03-30 00:09:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 5,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3915808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katsala/pseuds/Katsala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luna. The reason is Luna. (Though in all technicality Draco shouldn't have left her alone with the Veil and a ridiculous amount of Time Turners and the rest of his turkey sandwich, because now they're all back in their fourth year at Hogwarts (minus Ginny and Luna who are third years) and they can't get back to the future (or possibly other dimension according to Luna because of how time travel works (Draco's head is starting to hurt)) and they can't tell anyone about what happened and even Hermione can't figure out why not, and Luna ate his sandwich. (It was a damned good sandwich.)) Draco, of course, is handling everything wonderfully.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

After Hermione was elected Minister of Magic, she changed a considerable amount of outdated, corrupt, and just bloody stupid protocols; one of which was to stop calling the top secret government agents Unspeakables and then have everyone know who they were. Then she'd fired all of them and hired people who weren't gits. That was around the time Draco had decided she was alright.

Draco had… mellowed out, a considerable deal. Ginny had no idea what Luna had done to him (except that it wasn't sex, because Neville had made her promise to stop using that as the answer to everything (unless it was between the three of them, because Neville was actually a bit of a pervert)) but over the eight years after the war had ended, she'd had enough influence on him that the most animosity he and Ginny had now was fake retching at one another as a greeting. And kicking each other under the table when they went out drinking (but Harry did that too, so it didn't count). And sometimes she drew on his face when he fell asleep on his desk.

This train of thought was not making her feel like a mature adult. Despite how 'vitally important' her job was, she rarely felt like a mature adult these days, because Merlin, her coworkers were worse than the Harpies. Luna was subject to have cackling fits and declare everything a 'frat house,' and dragged Draco off on wacky adventures. Percy and Ernie Macmillan, with all their excellent posture and calling Hermione ma'am, did everything so stoically no one could take them seriously (Ginny knew for a fact the only reason Ron had bought a pensive was for the toilet incident), and would occasionally show up to work in pajamas. Draco was incoherent without coffee (leaving him susceptible to wacky adventures) and he left a trail of mugs, cups and thermoses in his wake. Audrey Duncan, when she couldn't figure out what something did, licked it. So no, Ginny rarely felt (or bothered acting) like a mature adult.

This, though, this was bloody ridiculous.

* * *

 

Huddled Disillusioned in the hallway outside Ginny Weasley's compartment, Luna stepping on his feet, her breasts pressed up against his arm and her weight against his back, Draco felt distinctly in danger. It had been eleven days since they'd travelled to the past, and when he'd arrived in the woods at the Quidditch World Cup, there had been no trace of the future (or possibly alternate dimension) Granger, Weasley or Potter. Luna, who lived close enough to check, had reported the same of Ginny and Percy. Duncan was presumably still in Wales, and Macmillan hadn't written them, which meant he wasn't here in the past (slash alternate dimension slash alternate past) either, since he was such a stickler. They still hadn't found out about Neville, though. And Neville could be scary. (And Ginny, of course, was terrifying.)

Luna leaned in close to his ear, her breath hot, and whispered, "It's spinning."

The Time Turner- one of the few that hadn't shattered- was the only thing that had travelled through the Veil with them. Both of them had tested it, but no matter how they spun it, they hadn't gone anywhere- not back, not forward, and not sideways (Draco had no idea what sideways entailed, so he was a bit relieved about that one). It did, however, begin spinning on its own when it was near them. The effect wore off over the next few days, and Luna theorized it was from the leftover chronotonic energy (he still didn't really know what that meant, but he rarely knew what she was talking about anyway). But it was spinning now.

If they hadn't been watching, they would've missed it. As it was, there was only a flash, an image superimposed over Ginny; tall and curved, long legs and short, bright hair; tight muggle clothes, miniskirt and halter top and shoes she could kill someone with (Draco had seen it (though she technically only knocked him out (and it was a Quidditch player, so he hadn't had his wand) but the point still stood)). And then it was gone, leaving only tiny little Ginevra Weasley, and Draco would've thought he had imagined it if Luna hadn't tightened her grip on his arm (she was thirteen, how were her breasts already this big? And why had he not noticed them back then?) and if Ginny hadn't promptly turned a ghastly shade of green and vomited out the window.

"Well, that answers that question," he said, untangled himself from Luna, walked into Ginny's compartment, dismissed the Disillusionment charm, and stuck a finger down his throat and pretended to retch. "Welcome to the party. You're late, but we saved you a seat."

Instinctively, she punched him in the arm. "I was in the loo. I was in the loo for ten minutes. What did you idiots do?"

Luna sat down primly, radishes swinging from her ears, Time Turner spinning around her neck. "I blame Draco."

Ginny punched him again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is taking place during the Sorting. They ditched, because really, if you were in their situation, you totally would to.

"We have to do everything over again?" Potter looked horrified, and Draco tried not to let himself feel too smug about it.

There was a light tapping on the closet door, then it opened to reveal Granger; bushy hair, big teeth, much less intimidating than she was supposed to be but still scarily competent. "Whatever happened, we don't seem to be able to communicate it to outsiders. I've tried telling McGonnagal, writing it down, acting it out, all of it came out gibberish." She looked down at her feet sheepishly. "Also, I hugged Lavender. And Colin Creevey." She coughed. "Also possibly Professor Snape."

Weasley burst out laughing, and Ginny started snickering. Draco carefully copied Luna's I-Am-Above-Everything-Going-On-And-As-Such-Have-An-Amazing-Poker-Face expression (also, she stacked cards. She was ruthless at Bridge.) Granger scowled and flounced (as much as one is able to in a closet, at any rate) over to sit in Potter's lap.

"What do we do now?" Neville asked. He was pudgy again, his teeth a bit crooked and his hair- Draco didn't want to think about the hair. It was awful. He looked- wrong. Bizarre. Not-Neville like (and that left Draco considering how close they were, now (not literally, even though they were, well, in a closet) that he could make distinctions about what was considered Neville-like)

"Oh, it's really very simple, really," Luna said, in her I-Am-One-With-The-Heavens-So-I-Know-Things-You-Don't-But-I-Act-Like-You-Should-Because-I-Can voice (Draco had maybe, possibly, been just a little bit bitter when he'd come up with the name (but it was trademarked now, so he was stuck with it)). "We destroy the Horcruxes, kill Voldemort, keep everyone from dying and get Hermione reelected Minister of Magic."

"Oh, yes, very simple," Granger said, voice clipped.

"Well… actually, it might be. I mean, we know what's going to happen anyway, and where all the Horcruxes are, and about Harry's scar and the prophecy and everything," Weasley said thoughtfully.

"Ron, that's- actually, except for a few that got moved later, you're right." Granger tilted her head, tapping Harry's leg absently. "I mean, if we started right now…"

"Room of Requirement," Potter finished.

There was a pause. And then Ginny was on his toes, someone elbowed him in the ribs and he got a mouthful of Granger's hair before they got the closet door open and burst out.

"Chamber of Secrets first!" Weasley yelled.

"Hey, Ginny," Neville said, panting (he was, as before mentioned, once again pudgy), "Grimmauld Place only got under Fidelius after the Order started staying there, right?"

Her mouth opened, then closed, then opened again. "Ron, Harry, Hermione, we're splitting up!"

* * *

"The detention was totally worth it," Ginny said, head on her arms and legs kicked up in the air. "I say, we give it a few nights and then go again. If we get to the ring before Dumbledore, we can save his life." 

"Mm." Hermione eyes were far away. She was turning the pages of her potions book (she apparently needed to review after so long, which Ginny figured was probably bullshit), and she was chewing her nails, something she had never done at this age; it had started during her campaign.

"Are you okay?" (It wasn't actually a question, more of a prompt.)

"What do you think happened to Ernie? And Percy and Audrey?" (Which wasn't actually an answer, but that happened fairly often with her.) "Draco and Luna were in the room when the… incident happened, and you were just down the hall in the toilets. Ron, Harry, Neville and I were about the same distance. Where were they?" 

"Prophecy room. Routine check up." She paused. "They're fine, you know. According to how time travel works, based on Luna." 

"We may never see them again." 

"Ernie is in the Hufflepuff dorms. I saw him when we got in the carriages, he's fine." 

"But he doesn't know you. Us. He's still… he isn't Ernie. Not yet. If we change things, maybe not ever." 

Ginny rolled over onto her back. "No. Maybe he won't be." She drew in a deep breath, feeling it fill her up (Ernie flashed through her mind, pompous and stupid and wonderful, helping lead the DA, writing the words 'Still Recruiting' on a wall. His eyes, never going hollow or empty or haunted like others had, always strong.) "Maybe he'll be better." 

Hermione closed her book and wiped her nails on her nightie. "Okay. Okay." She rolled her shoulders. "I don't think I could stand not helping anyway. Goodnight, Ginny." 

Ginny slid off the bed, grabbed her wand, and dismissed Mufliato. "Night, 'Mione." She left her to the sound of Lavender snoring softly and Parvati muttering in her dreams. 

They were gonna kill Voldemort like a boss.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hermione wanted us to fill these out," Ginny said as she and Neville joined Draco and Luna on the Hospital Wing floor. She handed him a thick packet of paper (thank God, he'd forgotten how awful parchment was) with the words Consistency Report written at the top. "The results go to her when you're finished, then everything erases so you can fill it out again the next week. No, I have no idea when she had the time to make this. Pass me a bedpan."

Luna passed her a bedpan.

Draco flipped through the packet idly. "I somehow get the feeling she already had these made up. Don't know why." He paused on one of the questions and went red. "There's a hormonal response section." Neville nodded gravely. "There is a hormonal response section when she wants me to talk about erections and masturbation." Neville nodded again. Draco (grasping at straws for support) turned to Ginny. "I am not filling this out."

"If I have to do it," she said dangerously, "you do it too."

"Besides, Hermione won't let you get away with leaving it blank. She'll follow you around and record it herself if she has to." (Draco was really missing timid, annoying Neville instead of… well, just regular annoying Neville.) "How do you think the bedpans all got dirty so fast? It's only the first day of term."

"They leave them out for Follywoblers," Luna said dreamily, robes pushed up past her elbows and hair pinned up with forks (Draco figured she'd gotten them at lunch, based on the salad dressing). "You remember those, Draco, from when we ran the detective agency. They feed on bodily fluids, and if you don't leave meals out for them they'll start destroying your house." She sighed. "I wish you'd have let me keep one."

The "No!" from the three of them was simultaneous (and it felt, for a second, like nothing had changed.)


	4. Chapter 4

It had been two months.

It had been two months of school. Of filling out the Consistency Reports for Hermione. Of giving Fred too many (but not quite enough) hugs and writing letters to Percy and only sending the ones meant for him in the past. It had been two months since she'd gotten drunk, had a shag, or blown up some kind of random magic artifact, and Ginny was bored.

Hermione had, in addition to her classwork and revising her campaign, restarted SPEW (they still hadn't gotten her to rename it, but it was a bit less… aggressive, now). Harry and Ron (in addition to having to fill out the sexual activity portion of the Consistency Report (which she really, really wished she hadn't seen, because she did not need to know details to that)) had taken it upon themselves to actually be teenagers this time around, and were steadily planning Harry's death and the subsequent enrollment of Larry Cotter (Neville had suggested the name, and it took them a week to stop muttering it under their breath and laughing). Neville himself was immersed in schoolwork, determined to do well this time with his talent, experience and confidence. Draco was attempting to rehabilitate the Slytherins; which, for the most part, Ginny was fine with, because Daphne Greengrass had made Dean and Seamus happy, Millicent Bulstrode had married a Muggle lawyer and taken over her family's farm, and Blaise Zabini sent her holiday cards. Luna was… Luna-ing, mostly, and at this point of mind numbing boredom, Ginny was Luna-ing too.

And so, when, after the other schools had arrived for the tournament and the Goblet had been lit, they had maybe, possibly, just a little bit, snuck onto the Durmstrang ship to look for Follywoblers, drank all their wine, done some dubious-quality fingering in Snape's office, and decided it was a brilliant idea to spend the rest of the night using Wingaurdium Leviosa to drop random names into the Goblet of Fire, it was absolutely not Ginny's fault.

Though she had to admit, when after Harry's name Elvis Presley, Adolf Hitler, and the Doctor had come out… that part was so totally her fault.

And it was worth it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this story is beta-Ed, by the way, so occasionally in going to go back and change things. Uploads are also going to sporadic. Best I can promise is that I'm not going to stop.

"I can't believe you dragged me along."

"I didn't want to have to face her alone! Again! You know what she's like, she's a psychotic badger-woman hybrid with acid fangs!" (Draco worried about Potter's descriptions, sometimes.) "I offered you the cloak."

"It itches, and that would defeat the purpose of me being here anyway."

"Then quit whining." And on that note, Potter opened the door to the Weighing of the Wands. (Draco did not snicker. Absolutely not. (Maybe a little bit.))

(He also definitely didn't laugh when he saw Fleur Delacour in a question mark-covered pullover, tweed pants, and a Panama hat, swinging a fob watch and looking exceptionally pleased with herself as she chatted with Diggory.)

Bagman, as he jumped out of his chair like an overgrown nine year old at the sight of Potter, was stopped by Draco's hand in his face. "Credentials."

"Ah, you must be the young Mr. Malfoy! You look so much like your father-"

Draco snapped his fingers. "Credentials." Bagman, paling, dug out his wallet. Draco flipped through it, nodded, and handed it back to him. Stalking up to Rita Skeeter, he threw his hand in her face and snapped his fingers. "Credentials."

"I'm sorry, you must not recognize me, little boy," Skeeter said poisonously. "I am- "

"If you refuse to provide adequite credentials, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you on the behalf of my client to leave."

"What client? You're a fourth year!" Bagman wondered.

Draco turned one of Hermione's I-sign-your-paychecks-you-fat-ugly-deadbeat looks on him (he wasn't quite as experienced with it as he was with some of Luna's, but Luna didn't do scary/evil, so he was making due.) "I have been employed by one Mr. Harry James Potter as a personal virtue guard."

There was silence. Then, his accent thick with confusion, Victor Krum asked," Vhat on Earth is that?"

Potter stepped into the room, arms planted on his hips, Hitler costume in full view, and announced, "He's keeping me from getting sexually assaulted." (Draco worried about Potter in general, actually.)

"Well, great, now somebody has to dress as Elvis."

(Draco was also slightly worried about Diggory.)

* * *

 

 

Ginny, eyes narrowed as she read the Daily Prophet, turned the newspaper sideways. Then upside-down. Then, shrugging, she licked it.

"The Duncan method doesn't actually work, Gin," Neville told her, munching on toast.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, I'm trying to figure out what part of this picture makes Skeeter think Harry and Draco are gay."

"Check page four," Draco said, sitting down next to her and stealing her coffee, then shoving a finger down his throat and retching. She absentmindedly did the same.

"Oh. Oh, yeah, now I'm seeing it. Wow, you guys would be hot together."

Draco spat coffee across the table, and ducked a fork thrown by McLaggen.

"She's kind of right," Neville offered. "What? I've experimented."

It wasn't really an appropriate place to laugh, but there weren't many other options given a line like that.

"What are you doing over here, anyway? Get tired of inbreeding central?"

Draco punched Ginny in the arm without any real force. "The Support Cedric Diggory badges were a mess without my input. Everyone else thinks they're genius." He grimaced. "Also, Pansy is starting to scare me."

"I thought you two only started dating in fifth year."

"Yeah, but she was already sort of possessive." He tilted his head thoughtfully. "Hey, do you think if I convinced her I actually was gay-"

Weasley smacked him in the back of the head. "Don't even try it, Malfoy. Hermione and I are the jealous type."

Draco stole his coffee, too, chugged it in one go, and handed him back the empty mug. "Didn't need to know, Weasley, but thanks for the lovely picture."

He ducked another fork.

 


	6. Chapter 6

"You know, the staring isn't as bad as I remember it being," Potter commented, reclining in Weasley's lap. Weasley, his unfinished Potion's essay laying on the coffee table, was attempting to braid Potter's hair. (Draco absolutely did not find it cute. (Not even a little bit. (Damn it, Ginny, stop smirking.)) And it made Potter's hair look stupid.)

"Is that why we're hiding in a closet?" Draco asked sardonically.

"The Room of Requirement is not a closet," Potter said defensively.

"It's not not a closet," Luna helpfully sang from her hammock, swinging eight feet above them.

Ginny finished filling out her Consistency Report and chucked it across the room carelessly. "Actually, the staring has declined quite a bit. The whispering is the bad part. They've started doing it when you aren't there."

"Why couldn't they have learned to do that in second year? Couldn't have spared me any of the emotional trauma?"

"Well, Parseltongue is only a sign of being dark. Using the Imperius curse is a bit more definitive."

"Not like it was illegal…" Potter muttered.

Weasley groaned. "Not yet. Hermione's got that added to her campaign now, outlawing it on 'all sentient creatures, not just those protected by the Equality and Spew Acts of 2003.' Not that she can actually use that, neither of those exist right now."

"I liked the ballerina dragon," Luna called down. "Especially the spins. The Nargles were very impressed."

Weasley grumbled under his breath. "I still don't think those are real."

"They're real." Draco grimaced. That's how I started working with her in the first place, they were stealing my underwear."

"Draco has a very distinctive smell," Luna lilted.

"That doesn't mean they're real, that just means you've got a creepy neighbor."

"Ew." Potter wrinkled his nose and adjusted his glasses. He glanced at the grandfather clock in the corner. "Neville's bringing the others at six, right?"

"Yeah."

"It's five fifty-nine." On cue, there was a sharp knocking sound from above, and moments later Neville appeared at the bottom of the slide. "'Lo." He wandered over, pecked Ginny on the lips, and took out his homework. "I like the slide, who installed it?"

"Luna," they (including Luna) all chorused.

"Merlin's dirty boxer shorts!" A yelp came from the slide, and a madly grinning Daphne Greengrass appeared. "That thing must be thirty feet."

"Thirty-one and a quarter," Luna corrected.

"Look out!" Tracy Davis, disheveled and flailing, knocked Daphne off her perch on the slide and onto the floor, followed by Blaise and Nott.

Draco nodded at them. "Enjoy the trip?"

"No!" Tracy whined, still splayed across the floor.

"Hey Nev, I thought Hermione was with you," Harry said curiously.

Neville frowned. "No. I thought she was here."

 

* * *

 

 

"Well that's gotta suck."

"First one," Hermione said, absently biting her nails as she continued transfiguring the toilet paper. "Forgot about it, honestly. I didn't pack for it last time around either."  

Ginny tossed her a tampon. "I know. That's why you came to me. You knew I'd let you borrow anything you needed." She sat down on the sink and propped her chin on her hand. "What's up?"

"I'm on my period," Hermione said, wand hanging limp, other hand turning the package over and over in her fingers.

"Yeah, I noticed. The blood gave it away."

"I wanted to get pregnant."

There was a moment where the Earth went very, very still. The air in Ginny's lungs froze. She opened her mouth, closed it, then opened it again, stealing herself. "Huh?"

Hermione leaned against the wall, looking tired. "Back in the original timeline. Alternate past. Whatever." She waved her hand dismissively. "Harry and I talked about it. We- we hadn't mentioned it to Ron yet." (Ginny took another, privater moment of the Earth standing still to get the image of Ron and Hermione making babies out of her head.) "I'm twenty-five. This isn't my life anymore. All these people we're surrounded by, it isn't really them. Susan's got triplets. Anthony Goldstein lost all his hair in chemo. Daphne is in her second trimester. So many are dead." She pulled her arms around her shoulders. "Now I don't know who they are. I don't know who I am. I don't know how I could possibly think I could keep a baby safe."

"You're Hermione Granger. You're shagging my brother and Harry Potter, you're the Minister of Magic, you owe Percy twenty galleons after you said he couldn't chug two cartons of orange juice, you're PMSing, and you would make an extraordinary mother." Ginny slid off the sink and hugged her friend. "Now put the damn tampon in and lets go pretend to do our homework while we gossip. Stop worrying about the fate of the world for a while."

"Thanks, Ginny." Hermione rubbed at her eyes. "Do you think the others ever get like this? So- so disoriented by all of this?"

"I'm sure they do."

 

* * *

 

 

"All I'm saying is, the only thing that comes out of Skeeter is shit," Weasley declared. "Well, shit and piss, technically."

"And sweat," Tracy added, not looking up from her Charm's book.

"And vaginal secretions." The Slytherins- Tracy included- all turned to look at Neville, who shrugged.

"Okay, yeah, shit, piss, sweat and vaginal secretions."

"Saliva," Harry suggested, at the same time Blaise went with "Carbon dioxide."

"And blood," Daphne said bouncily.

"All right, then, shit, piss, sweat, vaginal secretions, saliva, carbon dioxide and blood."

"Vomit," Draco said, with all the smugness one can say vomit with. (Not a great deal, really.) "And pus, if she's got acne."

"Would hair count?" Nott asked.

"Yeah, hair would count," Tracy agreed.

"Lies," Luna boomed. "She's full of lies like butterflies."

Weasley sighed. "Fine. Shit, piss, sweat, vaginal secretions, saliva, carbon dioxide, blood, vomit, pus, hair and lies. Next time," he said, pointing at Potter, "you say it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like me to write that Draco, Luna and Nargles story, leave a comment. I want to know if people would like it.


	7. Chapter 7

Hundreds of miles away, Rita Skeeter farted. 


	8. Chapter 8

"They are absolutely, sickeningly cute."

"We remembered to set Dobby up with the camera and the Cloak, right?"

"Oh, Merlin, yes. And Draco convinced Winky to let him Disillusion her, so she's here too."

"Brilliant." Neville wrapped his arms around Ginny's waist as they watched Ron and Harry dancing next to the other champions. They were both trying (failing) not to laugh hysterically, but also gazing deep into each other's eyes, and she almost wanted to herd everyone else out of the room to give them a little privacy. (It was less cute when she considered they'd probably both vanish in ten minutes to go shag in the toilets.)

"Looks like Victor and Fatima are getting along," she observed, subtly sliding her hand down Neville's thigh. "I hope they get together here, too, they were always so nice when they visited Bill and Fleur. Always brought presents for Victoire."

"I only met her once, I think, at the Holy-Crap-We-Lived Reunion." He slapped her hand away from his pocket.

"Really? What about Vix's first birthday?" She knocked his hand away and made another grab for it.

"I was working. I was there for her second, but that was when they had mono." He twisted her fingers in a way that looked to a casual observer like they were holding hands. She winced.

"Mm. That was nasty. Knocked out the whole Bulgarian team for a month. The Chudley Cannons won a match against them. Ron cried." She stomped on his foot, slipped the flask from his robes, took a swig of Firewhiskey and stuffed it back in. "Harry panicked, Flooed to our house because he thought he was having a seizure. It was great."

The Champions finished the opening dance, and Luna, dress robes lime green streaked with scarlet, eagerly bounced onto the dance floor with Hermione in tow. Across the room, Draco took Astoria's hand led her out as well.

Neville pulled her closer and kissed her neck. "Wanna dance?" She thought it over.

"Not yet. Let the others have their fun first." They sat there together for a while, silent and content.

"Ten galleons says I can get Ernie and Percy to dance together."

"You're so on."

* * *

 

 

Draco took one look at the headline and fell out of his seat laughing. Across the Great Hall, he heard the Weasley twins do the same. "Merlin's testicles, why does nobody ever understand that I'm bisexual?" Harry announced irritably. Draco laughed even harder.


	9. Chapter 9

 "I cannot believe he isn't getting disqualified for this," Draco deadpanned. He felt Luna slipping on his back and hiked her up again. She was waving a long stick with a mistletoe soaked in urine (Which was an experience he would very much like to forget (How on Earth was this his life?) (Oh, Merlin she was squirming again (Thirteen, she's thirteen (Death by Ginny and Neville)) but that didn't matter. He was completely composed.)) He turned his attention back to the 2nd task.

The motorboat was relatively small but new, and Granger had transfigured the engine so it wouldn't be negatively affected by magic. Potter was already in the wet suit and aqua lung. Neville had been disappointed at not using Gillyweed again, but there was something much more satisfying about this method.

"Mr. Malfoy!" A voice purred in his ear (Luckily killing all crotch-related density issues in relation to Luna). "What good luck to see you here!"

"This is a boarding school. I live in the building. There is currently a blonde girl sitting on my back waving a long stick with a mistletoe soaked in urine on it. We make our own luck, Ms. Skeeter." They stood there in silence for a while, watching as Potter dived into the Lake and Skeeter attempted to come up with a response to that. She finally seemed to settle on denial.

"And who might your lovely friend be?"

"Luna Lovegood." She was using the You-Have-Nargles-In-Your-Underwear-Drawer-Draco-And-Of-Course-It's-Normal-For-Me-To-Be-In-Your-Flat-At-Two-AM-Why-Would-It-Not-Be Nonchalance voice, extending the hand holding onto Draco to shake. "My friends and I have discussed your bodily functions in great detail." He almost dropped her. (And he could definitely hear Granger laughing, though that might just be in his head.)

"How lovely," Skeeter croons, smile stretched wide and tight. "I was wondering if I might-"

"Yes, Potter is the head of Her Majesty's Secret Service. He sleeps in the nude and is in a relationship with both Granger and Weasley. He uses ValuSoft shampoo. Lemon scented. He's also a vigilante who frees prostitutes in Ukraine. Did I get everything important, Luna?"

"You forgot about the Hungarian Horntail tattoo on his chest and his paralyzing fear of plastic sporks."

"Oh, yes, the sporks." He gave a theatric shudder. "Poor, dear Harry… to have been so young and gone through so many hardships…" He turned away, voice clogging up. "I'm sorry, Ms. Skeeter. Thank you for your time. Will that be all?"

"I- erm- yes. Thank you, Mr. Malfoy, Miss Lovegood, for sharing your insights with me." She walks away a combination of the cat that ate the canary and a bat out of Hell. It was intensely amusing.

Out in the middle of the Lake, a pair of figures emerged; a shirtless Ron Weasley clinging to a heroic, wet suit SCUBA gear clad Harry Potter, wielding the sword of Godric Gryfindor. (He was so very, very glad they introduced Colin Creavey to Dobby, the damn photography nerds, because this image? Amazing. Absolutely amazing.)

* * *

 

Ginny stared at the Prophet. Then at Draco. Back to the Prophet. Over at Hermione. Back to the Prophet. "Exactly how many times did you have to Confund her to get her to write this?" 

Hermione shrugged, not looking the least bit troubled. "I lost track after six."


	10. Chapter 10

"There's no way this plan is going to work."

"Correct." Granger smoothed her hair back.

"We shouldn't even be considering it."

"Correct."

"And there is no backup plan."

"None whatsoever, when have you ever known us to have a backup plan, Malfoy, that's just ridiculous."

"Just checking to make sure."

"Sure of what?

" "That this is going to work." She gave him a sideways glance, eyebrow arched. "You three always succeed when your plan is terrible, impractical and has no alternative. It's one of the things I found most irritating about you." She smiled, small and not entirely nice (Because he had, you know, bullied her and attempted to ruin her life for years (He was better now! He hadn't been an ignorant, horribly racist bastard in years!) and it would probably never be completely okay between them (Which was one of the reasons he still couldn't call her Hermione) but they tried.)

"Fair enough. The Polyjuice is ready?"

"Perfect. I ran it by Myrtle and everything, she remembers your second year fairly well, considering it was her only human interaction since Olive Hornbee's brother's wedding. The Veritaserum?"

She held up the vial. "I tested a few drops on Neville just to be sure. Luna bought him a cuckoo clock she spray painted hot pink for Christmas. It has glitter on it and plays the state song of Alaska. Ginny got him a vibrator. He named it Doyle." Which… sounded completely accurate. From within the maze, a dazzling eruption of orange and green sparks shot up.

"Here we go." He opened up the envelope.

* * *

 

The plan to defeat the Dark Lord was written in Luna's large loopy lettering, and Granger relaxed a bit beside him (Because they hadn't been sure who'd written it and Weasley's penmanship was atrocious. He and Astoria had once spent four months attempting to decode the Granger-Potter-Weasley Christmas card.) He didn't remember the conversation where they had agreed to this- none of them did except Luna and Weasley. That had been the point. Both Professor Snape and the Headmaster were master Legilimens, and the Dark Lord's connection with Potter, if not being utilized yet, was still a risk. Luna was, as always, impossible to read the mind of (the things that went on in her head were things no one needed to know) and Weasley had taken to Occlumency in a way that had baffled everyone but Ginny ("All he has to do is let his mind go blank, he's practically been doing it his whole life anyway.") There was also what Granger had called the Pettigrew Principle, which did technically work ("It's not the scientific method's fault he was evil. Don't give me that look Harry, he was, saving your life doesn't make him not evil.") The only problem with having Luna and Weasley come up with the plan was… well, it was Luna and Weasley. And that meant it was going to be weird.

* * *

 

"I wondered what we were going to do with fifty Follywoblers," Neville marveled as he readied the cages.

"Started piecing it together when they had me build a trebuchet," Ginny admitted. "Launching in three… two… one!"

And the Quidditch stands devolved into chaos. The cushioning charms cast upon the entire crowd two hours prior activated. Fifty feet above the stands, unseen in the dark and the panic, Ron Weasley and Luna Lovegood flew by, to most seemingly perched on nothing, and to some of the less fortunate souls, on a massive black steed, bony wings outstretched. And so when a copy of the Tri-Wizard cup fell into the heart of the maze, no one but a rather small, bespectacled, wild-haired boy, with Victor Krum, Fleur Delacour, Cedric Diggory and Mad-Eye Moody lying Stunned at his feet, noticed.

* * *

 

A tall, handsome man, with dark hair and pale skin and eyes that glittered red in the night, strode onto the Quidditch pitch, wand raised, cloak billowing, and muttered under his breath, "I can't believe they're making me do this."

* * *

 

"How can Fudge still not believe Voldemort is coming back? We literally waved Voldemort in his face!" Harry raged.

Hermione sighed and rubbed his back reassuringly. "Fudge is still Fudge, no matter who we are. And Malfoy was a bit… well, alright, you were awful," she said, turning to him, "you said the word 'Forsooth', why on Earth did you do that? He's not Richard III, he's Wizard Hitler."

Ginny choked on her Butterbeer and, still gagging, handed Neville a Sickle (She'd been nowhere near drunk enough to bet anything more. Not after the Yule Ball.) for getting the term to spread. 

"I don't know, I panicked! I had less than three minutes to prepare, you can't really have expected it to be good. And I'll have you know," he said, glaring at Ron, "that I was part of the Death Eaters for less than a year. Eight years ago, against my will, and I've changed!"

"You were still the best choice! You're the only one besides Harry to have talked to him more than, like, one time."

"Ginny was possessed by him for a year!"

"He was different as a teenager. Clever, charming, all I could've done was make the crowd want to shag me."

"At least we got Wormtail to confess," Ron said sullenly.

"Fudge isn't taking it as legitimate evidence. Still, we have a lot more people on our side than last time. And that includes Cedric." Hermione smiled at Harry, who pulled his head out of the couch to look at her. "You did very well at subduing Crouch and the other Champions. Even for the most talented duelist in the last century, it can't have been easy."

"Sure it was. Half of them I just snogged and then Stupified behind their back, I do it to Ron all the time when he's being an idiot."

"Wait, what! Which ones did you snog? Tell me one of them was Fleur! Ow, Hermione, get off my chest!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im shooting to have thr next installment, which has been given the working title of 'Using the Duncan Method', out by late October by the latest. I'll probably be working on some other stuff in the meantime. Any criticisms or comments are very much appreciated, because I sort of just decided to wing it with story. I dunno. I think it turned out pretty okay. Thanks for reading, at any rate.


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